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Post by Snakehipsx2 on Oct 24, 2008 17:49:03 GMT 1
Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he saw a beautiful woman washing herself. He flew down and made love to her then stroked her face and said "In 9 months you will have a child and you will call him hercules" She dressed herself, smiled and replied "Thats a coincidence because in 9 days you will have a rash and call it Herpes"
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Post by dimples on Oct 25, 2008 16:34:21 GMT 1
I was playing scrabble last night and had enough letters to make Tottenham Hotspur football club. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth 2 points!
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Post by dimples on Oct 25, 2008 16:35:33 GMT 1
Just had an appointment with a fortune teller. She told me a lot of money is coming my way. I left all excited - and got hit by a fu**ing securicor van!
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Post by dimples on Oct 25, 2008 16:37:26 GMT 1
Juande ramos comments to groundsman at White Hart lane how good the pitch is looking"It ought to" said the groundsman "We put 70 million quids worth of shit on it every week!
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Post by cadbhoy180 on Oct 27, 2008 4:19:47 GMT 1
viagra now available in eye drops.u don't get a erection but u look hard ;D
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Post by cadbhoy180 on Oct 27, 2008 4:24:12 GMT 1
a man with no arms entered a masturbation contest.poor bastard didn't come anywhere! ;D
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Post by Snakehipsx2 on Oct 28, 2008 19:11:33 GMT 1
Man goes to Doctors "I've been shagging my wife for 10 years now & she' getting a bit loose, can you suggest anything to tighten her up a bit?" Doc says "Well, this is a rather taboo subject but have you tried going up the other hole?" Man replies "WHAT? And risk getting her pregnant?"
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Post by J180 on Oct 29, 2008 13:59:25 GMT 1
woman goes into a pet shop, a parott is on sale for a quid, when the woman enquires why the owner says coz its last home was a brothel so it lacks class
undistured the woman flashes her quid and take the parott home, once at its new abode the parott says " new brothel " the woman laughs
half a hour later the womans 2 stunning daughters in their early 20's walks in , the parott quips " ladies of the night" the woman and her 2 daughters chuckle
a other half an hour passes and the womans husband Keith walks into the house after a long day at work, the parott nearly chokes and exclaims" how da f**k you going keith?, i haven't seen you in weeks!"
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Post by J180 on Oct 30, 2008 12:40:51 GMT 1
Old people>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and i made love to you.'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.'As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply 'Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!
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Post by cadbhoy180 on Oct 30, 2008 17:17:40 GMT 1
why is a pork pie like a pensioner's fanny?cos u have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before u get to the meat! ;D
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Post by cadbhoy180 on Oct 31, 2008 16:00:19 GMT 1
woman goes to grocers for a cucumber."do u want that sliced love?said the man."what for"says the woman"its a fanny i've got,not a f**kin slot machine" ;D
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Post by gavster on Oct 31, 2008 17:14:13 GMT 1
woman goes to grocers for a cucumber."do u want that sliced love?said the man."what for"says the woman"its a fanny i've got,not a f**kin slot machine" ;D hahahaha quality fella
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Post by cadbhoy180 on Nov 8, 2008 21:12:03 GMT 1
how do you confuse a wanker?answer.32 ;D
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Post by Snakehipsx2 on Nov 13, 2008 23:19:58 GMT 1
As the priest wandered through the forest he stumbled across a magic pond. And in that pond was a toad, who begged of him to take him home. The toad told the priest of a time when he was an angelic choirboy, but he'd beeen turned into an ugly toad by a wicked witch. The only way the curse could be broken was if he spent the night in the bed of a man of religion. So intrigued by this story was the priest, that he took the toad home to his bed. In the morning he awoke to find an angelic choirboy lying in bed next to him in place of the toad. And that your honour concludes the case for the defence.
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Post by Snakehipsx2 on Nov 13, 2008 23:27:06 GMT 1
Jack was dying, his beautiful wife Becky was by his bedside. "Becky" he said in a tired voice "There's something I must confess" "Shhhh" said Becky "There's nothing to confess, everything is alright" "No" said Jack "You dont understand, I must die in peace. I shagged your sister, your best friend & your mother." "I know" whispered Becky "Thats why I poisoned you, you kunt"
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